Porcelain
by sunaprincess7
Summary: The year is 1960. Lily Evans is sixteen years old; trapped, bored and frustrated. Remus Lupin is also sixteen; bullied, unhappy and scared. Two boys are about to ride into town on motorcycles and will help to change all of that. Jily, Wolfstar, AU. Remus & Lily friendship.
1. Belmont

Hi everyone,

This idea has been kicking around in my head for a while. I'm a little nervous about posting because it's my first time trying wolfstar but hopefully I'll pick it up as I go along.

This fic will likely be 4 chapters long and will follow our 4 fav characters to California, Paris and New York, if all goes to plan. There will be a lot of character development as it moves along.

I've set the first chapter in a fictional town because I wanted to base it on a place I once lived.

Rating will likely change at some stage.

Thank you all for reading!

SP7

* * *

There were few things in Lily Evan's life that annoyed her more than her white socks. The stupid white ankle socks that she was forced to wear everyday, folded down neatly over her Mary-Jane button pumps, were itchy, blinding and worst of all, frilly.

It didn't help that they were forever paired with some monstrosity of a full circle skirt, collared blouse, cardigan and a Juliette cap, always in some hideous pastel colour like lilac or powder blue. She looked, and felt, like the powder puffs that Petunia perpetually threw against her face as though they held the secret to eternal youth.

It wasn't Lily's fault. At sixteen, her mother still picked out and bought all of her clothes. Lily had tried to change this a few months ago but made a mistake by initially suggesting a pair of trousers. After that, her mother had decided she couldn't be trusted with clothing decisions and everything returned to normal.

"Itchy socks?" Remus queried knowingly, appearing out of nowhere from behind the counter and setting down a plate of steaming food in front of Mr Brent who was four stools away from Lily.

"How did you know?" Lily returned, slamming her textbook closed as she gave up on homework for the day. She usually managed to get a lot done at the soda shop every day after school – with Remus's encouragement - but today, for some reason, she couldn't concentrate.

"Your face looks like thunder," Remus advised sagely, moving towards her slowly, "that's how Lily looks when her socks are itching."

Lily laughed lightly. Really, it wasn't so surprising that Remus knew her facial expressions so well. He was the boy next door, or rather, the boy across the road, and her closest friend for 12 years.

"As soon as I graduate, I'm burning all of these socks," Lily told him forcefully, leaning on her elbows and fully meaning every word.

"Can I be there to see your mother's face?" Remus asked wryly, starting to wipe down the counter. "Hey, at least you don't have to wear this stupid outfit," he went on when Lily's face did not improve, gesturing to his all-white outfit, replete with sparing red stripes, red bow tie and paper hat. "It's great having to hear about it constantly from that lot," he said, his head jerking towards the booth at the end of the shop which was occupied, as it always was, by the football crowd. Lucius Malfoy and his friends were the Kings of their school and they never let Remus forget it.

Belmont was a small, stuffy town in the Midwest. It was a fine place to grow up in, but like any town, it treated those who were rich, white and good-looking with a special reverence. Everyone went to church on a Sunday and if you were absent, it was noted and remarked upon by a group of middle-aged women, who seemed to know everyone's business and who unofficially protected the town's morality.

Lily's mother was one of these women. And their family had the appearance, at least, of having some money, so they were treated with a respect that wasn't reserved for anyone who didn't have money or who looked different. Lily couldn't understand this and it drove her insane to have her mother or others treat Remus as though he was a 'charity project'. The Lupin's lived on the same street as them and just because his mother worked, it did not mean that he deserved the derision thrown his way.

"I would say 'ignore them' but I know it's not easy," she whispered, leaning in to him.

"Is he still bothering you?"

Lily nodded, "he keeps asking me about prom," she said, rolling her eyes, "even though he's taking 'Cissa."

Remus let out a long, exasperated sigh and then leant on the counter thoughtfully. "None of this will matter in Paris," he breathed, giving her his shy grin that she had always loved.

"Agreed," Lily replied, letting her hand fall on top of his.

Paris had been a long held dream of Remus and Lily's. It had probably originated on a day when Petunia was being particularly horrible or her mother particularly fussy and Lily had escaped to Remus's house to find some solace. In that time, they'd agreed that when high school was done, they'd run away to Paris together. There had never been any more to the plan than that, but when Belmont was smallest or after a day when Remus had endured nothing but taunting and cruel jokes from Lucius and his ilk, they'd fantasise about Paris and how no one would care if Lily wore trousers and Remus grew his hair long and a moustache on his face.

A couple of times Lily had nearly brought up what she knew was an inevitable part of the plan: marriage.

Lily wasn't like her mother but she still knew, and cared, what everyone would think about an unmarried girl running off with a young man to Paris. She maybe wasn't brought up in the thirties like her mother and times had moved on a little by 1960 but Lily didn't want to be 'that girl' to her parents and friends. She didn't want to give her mother heart failure or for her father to never look her in the eye again. And she knew that Remus wouldn't want that for her either. In fact, he was her greatest shield against Lucius's advances. Most of the town thought they were together, and even if they weren't, Lily had always assumed it was only a matter of time before they were.

A couple of times it had bothered her that she hadn't experienced the often-talked about 'butterflies' when she looked at or talked to Remus. But, she knew him. And she knew he would be good to her, as opposed to some of the other girls in her class who would end up marrying men who might hit them.

Most of all, when Lily thought about marriage, she could only stomach it by imagining Remus as her husband. And so, if she could avoid the inevitable semi-forced arrangement with another reputable boy that her parents approved of by marrying Remus, she would happily do it. And she wouldn't have to have a man take care of her: they would take care of each other.

"Do you want a coke?" Remus asked, withdrawing his hand and again interrupting her daydreams.

"Yes," Lily sighed, moving back to her stool and books. "Maybe that'll make this assignment more bearable."

"I'll get that, Lupin," a voice said out of nowhere, making them both jump. Slicking back his blindingly blond hair with one hand, Lucius reached into the pocket of his football jacket to find some change.

"There's no need, Lucius," Lily protested as delicately as she could. "I can pay for myself."

"A girl as beautiful as that should never pay for her own drinks, am I right Lupin?" Lucius said, ignoring Lily and talking directly to Remus.

Without another word, Lucius threw down six cents and walked out of the shop, his fellow footballers following behind him.

Choosing to ignore the rage she felt at the high-handed way in which he insisted on dealing with her, Lily took a deep breath and instead turned to Remus, "that wasn't so bad."

"He's only nice to me when you're here," Remus advised gruffly, passing her the glass bottle and removing the change from the counter. "Thinks it'll get him further with you, I suppose."

"Well then he's even more ridiculous than we thought," Lily retorted, wondering whether to refuse the drink as a sign of protest. "He's the last guy I'd ever go out with."

"I'm sure he'll be devastated to hear it," Remus said lightly, smirking as Lily glared at him, "now are you going to finish that English essay? I'm working every afternoon this week and will need to copy your answers or Mason will kill me."

"You're wasting your education, Mr Lupin," Lily said in her best impression of their English teacher. "And sure, that's fine. Want to come over for dinner tomorrow night? We can go over notes and watch Petunia make herself pretty for Vernon the vile."

Remus grinned at her. "What would Thursday nights be without Mrs Evans' cottage pie and Petunia's preening?"

* * *

"Remus is coming over for dinner tomorrow night," Lily announced to her mother as she stepped in the door later that day. "That okay, mom?" She called, throwing off her despised lilac hat and reaching down to unbutton her shoes.

"Why do you insist on bringing that boy into the house?" Petunia hissed as she appeared beside Lily in the hall. "Are you trying to embarrass us to death?"

"Only you," Lily simpered, brushing past her sister into the kitchen. "Mom?"

"She's not in, you idiot," Petunia replied instead, following her. "She has her book club Wednesdays, remember?"

"Fine, I'll ask her when she gets in."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry, she'll say yes, like she always does," Petunia moaned, throwing herself down at the kitchen table.

Ignoring her, Lily went straight to the fridge to find something to eat.

"Your relationship with that boy is ridiculous," Petunia went on, now peering into a handheld mirror. "I'm going to speak to mom about it."

"What on earth are you talking about now?"

"How you two pretend you're just friends when you're obviously not," she said knowingly, running her finger along her eyebrows. "Mom still lets him into your bedroom because she thinks he hasn't seen you without your slip on."

"He hasn't," Lily spat, trying not to be goaded as she knew that was exactly what Petunia wanted.

"Well, if that's true, it's even more tragic," Petunia batted back sharply, "what's so wrong with you that he hasn't even tried anything?"

Slamming the fridge door shut, Lily knew she had to get out of the same room as her sister before she did anything stupid. She stalked to the hall to try to escape to her room but Petunia followed.

"Face it, ginger," she continued cruelly, following her up the stairs. "There is no happy ending for you here. Either you're so completely unlovable that even the town loser won't have you or you'll end up like Amy Cline and be sent away to one of those homes."

Lily made it to her room just in time to banish Petunia from her sights with the door, which she slammed shut. Frustrated, furious and needing an outlet, Lily did what she always did when feeling like this: she grabbed her pillow and screamed into it as loudly as she could.

Lily screamed for minutes on end, the sound rattling around her ears and bouncing off the cushion. She screamed until her voice gave out and the tears of anger streamed down her face and into the soft fabric of the pillow. When she had finished, she lay there, face red and buried into her bed; exhausted and achy.

No one could push her buttons like Petunia could. And, more often than not, it was nothing to do with Petunia. It was the constant reminder that Petunia represented: that Lily would soon follow in her life path two years later. When she'd graduated from high school, Lily would leave education for good. Maybe, if she was very persuasive, she could get her parents to allow her to attend a secretarial school or a typing class. She'd have to lie and say it would be the best way to meet a good husband – if she got a job as an assistant or secretary. Either way, even if she achieved this, once she was married, Lily would still have to leave her job. As Petunia announced daily, after that, she'd have children and then her whole life would be dedicated to raising them and keeping the home.

Lily hated this life path. She despised the thought of it. Plenty of girls in her class looked forward to it, talked about it constantly and couldn't wait to leave school to start a family. And Lily was happy for them – she could see the thought brought them genuine pleasure and why shouldn't they pursue that life?

Only she couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. Why she didn't want that.

Paris, she reminded herself daily. Paris.

Every time Petunia goaded her, she went to Paris in her head. Remus would take her to Paris and there, they'd find their own definition of marriage.

As Lily lay, trying to recover her breath, she briefly wondered if Amy Cline had ever screamed into her pillow like this, before she was sent away. Amy had been a perfectly nice girl in their year at school – in most of Lily's classes too – before she had gotten 'into trouble'. No one knew who the father was, only that he refused to marry her, and so Amy had been sent away to be pregnant in private, until the baby was born. If the baby was adopted, Amy would probably return to school although Lily couldn't understand why she would want to. Amy Cline was now a cautionary tale that parents told their children to ward them off having sex.

No one wanted their daughter to be the next Amy.

* * *

"Why aren't you going to college again?"

They were on Lily's bed on Thursday night: Lily lying down with her feet in the air, toying idly with a book she had half-started, as Remus poured over her essay from his seated position at the end of the bed.

"How many reasons do you want?" Lily replied blandly, "my parents can't afford it, even if they could, they're not going to spend on all that money on me going to college when I could just get married…"

"If they ever read any of your essays they'd see how smart you are," Remus said, giving her a small smile. "You should be going to college, Lily."

"What'd happen to Paris if I did?" Lily asked absentmindedly , trying to ignore her own thoughts on the matter, knowing that no matter how much she might wish to continue her education, it was not a possibility.

Remus's eyes drifted back to the pages in front of him as he chose not to answer her.

"Remus?" Lily asked, after a few moments of silence.

"Hmm?"

"Where do you think Amy Cline is?"

"No idea," Remus murmured, giving Lily the impression that he wasn't really paying any attention to her.

"…Petunia thinks she's in a home somewhere," she went on, not really sure why she was talking about this.

Remus finally put down the papers to consider this for a moment. "My mom says that's where she is too," he replied finally, his voice low with the sadness of the topic. "I don't really know what to believe. That could just be gossip."

"Yeah," Lily agreed quietly, letting her legs drift back to the bed with a soft thump. "Wherever she is, I hope she's happy."

Remus nodded in agreement. "They shouldn't have sent her away."

"Sending people away is what this town does to kids who misbehave," Lily observed ruefully, looking down at her mint green cardigan and playing with the leaf shaped buttons.

"Why were you thinking about Amy?" Remus asked, looking at his knees.

Lily shrugged, "no reason really. Just Petunia being horrible again."

"Ah," he acknowledged, turning back to the papers and picking up a pencil.

Silence descended again as Lily desperately tried to push Petunia's words from her mind but found that she couldn't. If Paris was ever to happen, she would have to talk to Remus about marriage. She would have to tell him how she felt.

"We're…" she started, before stopping herself abruptly, suddenly scared of continuing despite her inward resolve.

Remus looked at her expectantly causing Lily to sit up properly, her knees parallel with his. She took a deep breath.

"I…we…I mean, we're going to prom together, aren't we?" Lily finally managed, feeling incredibly pathetic and knowing that a blush was creeping into her cheeks.

"Of course," Remus replied after a short blink. "We agreed that months ago."

"Okay," Lily nodded, with a half-smile, not able to look him in the eyes.

"Lily, what's wrong?" He asked, putting her essay to one side and grabbing her hand.

"It's nothing," she dismissed, allowing her fingers to lace through his although one look at his face and she knew she wouldn't get away with ignoring the issue.

"Tell me," he encouraged softly, giving her hand a quick squeeze.

"Petunia says we're weird," she blurted out indelicately, insides cringing when Remus's forehead crinkled.

"Of course she does," he laughed a little, "Petunia thinks anyone who reads books is weird. That's nothing new."

"No, I mean our…relationship," Lily managed, feeling her face grow warm.

"Oh," Remus said, the smile falling from his face as he immediately looked away again.

"Yeah, I mean, we're just friends, aren't we?" She pressed on, hating her own voice for shaking, "but then…then we don't date anyone else, we're going to prom together…we hold hands," she said, gesturing to their still clasped hands between them.

"We do," he acknowledged quietly, finally looking her in the eyes. His muted green eyes looked into her vivid ones and Lily's heart started to thump against her chest. He watched her for several endless moments, during which Lily could barely breathe or speak or think. She felt completely stuck in that moment – unable to do anything until he told her what he was thinking.

Finally, he seemed to decide something as she saw a shaky resolve come into his face.

Lily quickly became aware of their proximity, of how clammy her hands were against his and how her head swam as Remus moved in closer, surprising Lily completely.

With his eyes low, Remus pressed his lips lightly against hers. Her eyes slammed shut as their lips met and in her head flew thoughts of how she had no idea what she was supposed to do in this moment. No one had told her how to do this. Lily had just assumed the boy would know what to do but Remus seemed as lost as she was: not moving, stilled completely against her. It was shaky and awkward and nothing like the kisses Lily had seen in the movies. She was just about to move her other hand and place it on his knee, when suddenly, Remus was no longer kissing her.

In a matter of seconds, Remus pulled away from her and had crossed to the other side of her bedroom, hands clenched at his side.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," he breathed, voice wavering with obvious emotion. "I'm sorry," he said again in quick succession, not looking at her.

Lily was stunned into silence as she watched Remus, now so far away from her. She felt the tears pool in her eyes involuntarily and the hot rush of embarrassment completely overwhelm her. All the times she had imagined Remus kissing her had never ended like this. Never in her imagination had he been so unattracted to her that he could barely look at her afterwards.

"Was it something I…" she started, desperate to speak, to hear his reasons, to hear why he had ran away. She was unable to help her voice sounding small and high. It was also thick with tears and she knew that that, more than anything, caused Remus to turn around. He had never been able to deal with her tears – even as children, the only time she had ever seen him angry was when Petunia made her cry.

"No, no, it's not you, I promise," he said, his own tears now gathering in his eyes, startling Lily still more, "It's me – it's my fault. I'm so sorry, Lily."

Lily felt sick as she looked at him and guilt flooded her for even bringing the subject up: Remus was pale and shaking and shifty – he could barely look her in the eye, his own eyes instead directed constantly to the ceiling to try and stem the tide of tears.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Lily sniffed, wishing she could go back in time to this morning, when Remus was just her best friend and this had never happened. "You don't have to be sorry for not liking me, Remus," she tried pathetically, "that's not your fault."

"Shit, Lily," he let out, wiping at his eyes and starting to pace a bit. "I don't…it's not…I mean, look at you," he said, now sounding almost angry. "If I…I'd be mad if I…" He stopped and started again, "if this was fair, there isn't anyway I wouldn't…"

He stopped speaking, seemingly stalled in the middle of the room, lost in whatever thoughts were controlling him.

"I'm sorry...I don't understand," Lily started quietly, looking down at her own fidgeting hands, only looking up when Remus came to her with effort, sitting down on the bed beside her and grasping her hands with his own, "you're beautiful, Lily," he whispered, voice shaking with sincerity. "I'd have to be insane not to…"

Here he broke off again. Lily felt a nausea rising in her as she took in his gaunt appearance and bloodshot eyes. Something was wrong. Something was bothering her friend much more than what they were currently talking about.

"Fuck," he hissed, letting his head fall forward over their hands as his tears started in earnest.

"Remus," she whispered, holding onto his hands tightly, "what's wrong?"

When he briefly looked at her only to look away again quickly, she pulled at his hands again. "Are you…in trouble?" It crossed Lily's mind briefly that maybe Remus was Amy Cline's unknown boyfriend. Maybe this was why he was reacting this way.

He shook his head, "no…not yet," he said with a wry, dull laugh.

"Tell me," Lily pressed gently, "whatever it is, we'll deal with it…together."

She watched his face change, as though he thought he might talk to her and then back again to the same pale, frightened grimace. The sickness in her squirmed and grew as she watched her friend in obvious distress: never before had she seen him like this and it scared Lily. Remus, who was always so calm and collected, now sat in front of her completely changed.

"Please, Remus," she continued, barely keeping her composure, "nothing could be that bad."

Here he let out a derisive laugh, "I promise you it could be."

"Okay, well, whatever it…" she said as steadily as she could, stopping abruptly when Remus exhaled heavily.

She held her breath, waiting for him to go on.

After several moments in silence with their hands clasped, he spoke.

"I don't…" he started, barely audible, before stopping to take another deep breath. Lily squeezed his hands to show she was there. "I don't like you because I don't…"

"You don't…what Remus?"

Again, he looked her in the eyes but seemed unable to sustain this position. His face again dropped to the floor.

"…I don't like girls."

He said it slowly, purposefully and as quietly as he could.

"You don't…" Lily replied, her thoughts running a mile a minute, "I don't understand. If you don't like girls then who…"

Their eyes met as Lily finally understood what he was trying to tell her.

She now knew what he meant. She had heard of what he meant from her mother, who had never brought it up in a complimentary way. She had heard of it in Church, with all kinds of harsh and terrifying words following it. She had seen brief snippets from the newspapers of scandals and prosecutions in the rest of America. She had never heard of it in Belmont.

"Oh," she said, feeling frozen and unable to do anything about it. Her mind was completely blank yet trying to understand what she had just heard.

Remus still wasn't looking at her and his hands started to shake again just as he withdrew them from her, "yeah."

When Lily didn't reply, Remus spoke again, "please say something, Lily. Please."

"I…I don't…" she tried, momentarily about to speak when she looked at him again and saw the blind fear in face. "I don't know what to say," she finally managed, still feeling utterly unable to think.

Remus gave a curt nod, "I'll understand if you never want to see me again," he said shakily through his fingers. "Just please, don't say anything to anyone…my parents, Lily…I'd…"

"Never see you again?" Lily interjected incredulously, finally finding her words. "Why on earth would I…"

Here he looked at her so disbelievingly that her words faded away.

"Because it's illegal, Lily," he stated in a harsh whisper, his bloodshot eyes finding hers again. The silence echoed around them until he spoke again: "How I feel…think…it's all a crime," he breathed, rubbing at his face. "They put people like me in jail." He paused and the meaning of his words sank in. "I shouldn't have told you…I only did because feeling like this and having no one to talk to about it, is driving me insane…"

Lily couldn't bear to see Remus like this: she didn't know what she thought about what he had just told her – she had heard from so many people in her life that homosexuality was wrong – but then this was Remus. Her best friend who she cared for more than her own sister. She had known him her whole life and never had she known sweeter, kinder boy. For someone to put him in jail for how he felt? How could that be right? Remus wasn't a criminal.

As she thought this through, she knew she didn't care what anyone else thought: Remus wasn't illegal. And he didn't deserve to be punished for this.

"…walking around like this, trying to pretend that I'm like everyone in our school, it's exhausting. I'm so paranoid that someone will find out or will report me to the police, even though…even though, I've never…"

"You've never?"

"You're the first person I've kissed, Lily," he said thickly, the tears in his eyes finally catching up to his voice, "you're probably the last."

"The last?"

"I see all of these newspaper articles, about the people they imprison, because they're like me. For just…for just being this way. I have to go to Church every week and listen to how I'm an abomination. How is this fair?" He asked insistently, "how is it fair that they can call you a criminal for how you just are?"

"It isn't," she said quietly, still knowing that she hadn't fully grasped all the implications of what he had said.

"That's why…that's why I…"

"…want to go to Paris," Lily finished, finally realising how this plan existed in Remus's head. He nodded firmly, wiping at his nose again. "No one will care in Paris."

"Do you think…"

"I thought when we went we would be married," she admitted clumsily, now taking her turn to avoid his eyes.

Remus seemed to consider this for moment, taking so long that Lily was forced to look up for an answer.

"I'm sorry," he said again, sounding small, "I didn't know you thought that. But you deserve real love, Lily. I can't marry you just so we can escape."

Lily again found herself with no way to respond to this: her plan had been to marry Remus for so long that to suddenly be without that surety was incomprehensible to her. So, she said what she knew to be true:

"You deserve real love, too," she whispered, finding herself moving towards Remus for a hug at the same moment he moved towards her.

"All the times I've imagined telling someone," he said into her hair, "…I never thought you'd react like this. I thought you would throw me out of your house."

Lily grasped him more tightly, feeling the thin wool jumper that was so him…so Remus. The tears pooled in her eyes again, "never," she said, "you will always have someone in me."

They held each other silently, until Remus spoke again.

"Could we tell your parents we're eloping?"

Deciding she would think about this later, Lily chose the easiest answer and nodded, "that might work."

"It's nearly two years away," he replied, voice still shaking a bit. "I wish we could leave now…right away. If someone finds out…"

And as Remus spoke, an idea presented itself in Lily's head suddenly – so vivid and right that immediately it seemed like the only thing to do. The only way they could survive another two years in Belmont and both escape to Paris in the end.

"We should be together here," Lily told him, her fingers slipping into his as they ended their hug. "Everyone thinks we're together already. We can just pretend until we graduate and no one will have to know anything."

* * *

They started holding hands in public. Every so often, Remus would give her a quick kiss on the cheek. When he did it in front of their school friends, Lily knew he was doing it to keep up appearances. When he did it in private, she knew he was saying he cared.

Their new 'relationship' was still finding it's feet but her girlfriends were delighted. Petunia was, of course, disgusted and complained at great length to their parents that Lily was disgracing the family. Her parents said little but she knew deep down they hoped she would marry someone wealthier eventually.

Other than their newfound public displays of affection, not much else changed between Remus and Lily. They didn't speak again of what he had told her often but talked at length about Paris and how they would get there. How they might convince their parents they were eloping. Remus even found a city map in the school library and they pinpointed the areas they might live in, noting as well all the places they wanted to visit; the foods they wished to eat and the sights they wanted to see.

They were pouring over the map three weeks later, after school in the soda shop, when a young man strode in. Tall, with long black hair and a leather jacket, Lily immediately knew that he wasn't from Belmont. No one in Belmont even owned a leather jacket.

"Bathroom," he said abruptly to Remus across the counter, interrupting their conversation with clearly no reservations about doing so.

"It's for customers only," Remus replied politely, despite the rudeness of the interruption, as the customer rolled his eyes exaggeratedly.

"Fucking hell," he said under his breath, although still audible enough that it caused Lily and Remus to balk. Reaching into the pockets of his jackets, he hunted around for some change before slamming a few coins down on the counter. "Gimme whatever you have that's cheap."

Pulling up a bottle of coca-cola from the underside of the counter, Remus uncapped it and placed it down gently. "Bathrooms are in the back."

Taking a quick swig of coke, the boy nodded, slammed the bottle down and strode past Lily.

"Weird," Lily observed, inwardly disliking the boy, as Remus nodded in agreement, both watching him leave their sights. They were about to go back to the map when the door to the shop opened again.

This time another boy, also in a leather jacket but with shorter, messier black hair, appeared at the counter.

"Bathrooms are for customers only," Remus advised pre-emptively, causing the boy to smile.

"Cool," he grinned, grabbing the coke and taking a long drink. "Sirius bought this right?" He queried, after setting the bottle down.

"Who?"

"Sirius," the boy replied, still grinning happily. "Tall, lanky, sort of looks like Vincent Price but more like a vampire."

"Eh…yes, that's his coke," Remus said, laughing a little.

"Great," he said, sitting down at one of the stools by the counter, still cradling the bottle. The boy continued to drink, looking around and taking in the shop. After a look over his shoulder, his gaze fell on Lily. "Hi," he said cheerfully, causing Lily to look up from the map.

"Hi," she replied, in a definitely less cheerful voice. The boy was looking at her very intently, half a smile ghosting around his mouth. As she looked back, Lily took in his unfathomably messy hair: this was the type of hair her father disapproved of. Any time Jerry Lee Lewis appeared on the television, her father would tut, shake his head and say 'somebody should give that boy a haircut.' The boy in the soda shop made Jerry Lee Lewis look like their Minister. Lily briefly wondered if he had ever brushed his hair and if so, how there weren't more brushes stuck in it.

After a few minutes of analysing him, Lily realised they had been staring at each other for several moments. The half-smile on his face had developed into a full blown grin and he was now doing his best to tangle his hair even more.

"Nice hat," he observed cheekily, now looking at Lily in such a way that made her break out in a blush. Boys in Belmont did not look at girls that way.

"Nice hair," she countered pettily, not particularly enjoying his attention and so looking back to the map. She shot a quick upwards glance at Remus to see a small smile quirking his lips as he wiped down the counter.

"Thanks," he replied happily, hand drifting to his hair once more as he obviously didn't get Lily's meaning. "Whilst we're complimenting each other, I really like your…"

"Clearly, you don't understand sarcasm…" Lily cut in disinterestedly.

"I did, I just chose to ignore it."

"…your hair is ridiculous. Haven't you ever heard of a brush?"

"Brushes and I don't get along," he advised, slipping off the stool, coke in hand as he walked towards her. "Besides, why would I want to tame this?" he said, gesturing grandly towards his head before sliding onto the stool beside her.

Lily snorted, before remembering that that was unladylike and correcting herself.

"I was going to say I like your eyes," he continued in a voice Lily imagined caused other girls to swoon, as she met his eyes again. She briefly noted his soft hazel ones and found herself involuntarily thinking she wasn't the only one with nice eyes. "I've never seen ones like 'em."

"I'm sure that line works on girls in whatever dumb city you come from," Lily replied acidly, looking back down at the map, "but I've heard it before. You're not as original as you think you are."

"Eh, that would be New York," the boy retorted, finally sounding as irritated as Lily wanted him to be. "And who put too much starch in your socks this morning?"

"I don't really care about your opinions on any of what I'm wearing," Lily said as evenly as she could, inwardly noting that she had no idea why she disliked this boy as much as she did. He was the sort of boy everyone would refer to as 'cool'. Him and his friend. If he went to their school, he'd probably be the kind to smoke during recess, start fights with Lucius and his football hooligans and top it all off by picking on Remus and making fun of her for wanting to get good grades.

The boy looked like he was about to respond but Remus got there before him.

"Alright, why don't you just leave her alone?" he suggested, sounding polite as Remus always did.

The boys head jerked upwards, "you're her boyfriend then?" He queried sarcastically.

"Yes, I am," Remus replied calmly and for a moment, Lily almost believed that he was.

Again, the boy opened his mouth to respond, when there was a bark of laughter from behind them and all three of them turned their heads. The boy Lily knew to be Sirius had returned from the bathroom and looked to be greatly amused by what Remus had just said.

Sirius looked at them all briefly and then turned his gaze to Remus, a large grin playing about his mouth.

"Her boyfriend?" He asked pointedly, eyes dancing with light as they fixed determinately on the boy behind the counter.

Expecting the same smooth answer to come from Remus, Lily looked back to see the composure slip from his expression: his face paled and something changed behind his eyes.

When he didn't respond after a few moments, Lily took the opportunity instead, "yes," she spat, unable to help how put out she sounded.

Sirius's eyes eventually locked on hers and he analysed her with the same intense look.

"Really?" He drawled slowly, sauntering towards her. His eventual proximity caused Lily to sit up straight.

Neither Remus or Lily said anything, his eyes directed to the ground, hers towards him, desperately hoping he'd intervene. Finally, Remus looked up, only he didn't look at Lily. She followed his gaze as it locked on Sirius and something passed between them.

Lily was about to say something, if only to break the maddening, unbearable silence dominating the four of them when a fifth voice spoke, startling all of them.

"I take it you two losers are the owners of those grody motorcycles out front," Lucius asserted, appearing in the doorway of the shop with his two usual football buddies flanking him on either side.

Lily watched as Sirius turned his attention from Remus. The same mischievous grin now appeared on both boy's faces as they regarded Lucius. Tension flooded Lily again: she'd seen Lucius fight, both on and off the field – nothing good ever came of it. But these two boys had an air of recklessness about them. As though they didn't care if they got hit or not.

"He doesn't like our AJS's, Sirius," the messy-haired boy observed, swivelling round in the stool to fully face the footballers, his elbows leaning back on the counter. "At least that's what I think he meant. Grody? What's that?"

"I think it's a small-town hick substitute for English," Sirius replied cooly, examining his fingernails. "But you have to give him credit, it's probably only a couple of months since he stopped grunting and came out of the cave."

The two behind Lucius immediately went to move towards the counter, violence obviously their objective. However, Lucius's hands shot out, stopping them both in their tracks.

"No fighting in front of the lady," he ordered, eyes still fixed on Sirius.

"They really do think you're made of porcelain, don't they?" The boy whispered teasingly to Lily, leaning in close to her ear. Lily looked at him once more, feeling the anger flush in her cheeks and hating how delighted he looked at the reaction she gave him. She hadn't scrapped since she was a child: her fighting had always been a great source of anguish for her mother who tried everything from charm schools to church to get her to stop. Eventually, Lily realised that life was easier if you just kept you head down and ignored the bitchy or riling comments, much to her mother's delight. But right in that moment, Lily wanted nothing more to take that boy outside, pull him to the ground and pour dust and sand all over his stupid, handsome, free face, the way she used to before she remembered she was supposed to be a girl.

"Don't speak to her," Lucius bit out, now coming closer to try to tower over the boy. "Don't say another word to her and go outside. Now."

Another bark of laughter followed from Sirius, who immediately responded by removing his leather jacket, stripping down to only a white, somewhat filthy tank top.

"No!" Lily interjected, her better senses getting ahold of her. This boy, Sirius…something strange had happened between him and Remus and God knows what he would say to Lucius in the heat of a fight. She needed to get one group of boys away from the other somehow. "No, Lucius," she went on, standing up and pressing her hand to his chest. "You can't fight them, please."

Lucius looked a little taken aback by her attitude and so she pressed ahead with the only reason that made sense to her.

"Remus could lose his job if you fight here," she stressed, looking up into his eyes with a gaze she knew had worked before. "Please, don't put him in that position."

She watched as Lucius's face softened a bit and he let out a deep sigh.

"Alright," he relented, jaw still set. "You two, get out of here," he commanded, "and leave Lily alone."

"Such a pity," Sirius sighed, beginning to put his jacket back on again. Thankfully, Lucius ignored the comment.

"We'll have the usual, Lupin," he continued, directing his friends to their customary booth at the back of the diner. "And you need to get better at sticking up for your girl," he fired as a parting shot, giving both boys one last stern look before following his teammates.

"Lily?" The boy to her right said when the four were alone again, his voice again tinged with that perpetual bemusement he seemed to forever sport.

"What?" She growled, now more irritated by his presence than ever.

"James," he grinned, ruffling his hair again before sliding off the stool, watching her again for a moment before he next spoke. "What do you think, Sirius? Fancy sticking around here for a bit?"

"Definitely," Sirius replied meaningfully, and Lily's stomach lurched as she watched his eyes connect with Remus's again. His eyes stayed locked on him as both boys made their way towards the door. They kicked it open and the sun came streaming into the diner, blinding both Remus and Lily. "I have some sights I want to see."

* * *

It was about eight o'clock later that night when Lily finally allowed herself to remember the events of that afternoon in the soda shop and to reflect on what had happened. She knew instinctively that if she even so much as though about James and his ridiculous hair before she finished her homework, her chances of getting anything done were shot.

Lying on her bed, legs in the air again, Lily regarded her perfectly starched socks as they hung above her, feet wavering slightly with the weight of gravity. If Lily had been honest with James, she would have told him that it was her mother who put too much starch in her socks that morning. It was her mother that had picked out the powder blue skirt, cardigan and white blouse that no doubt made her look very 'small-town hick' to him too. The hat that he was so bemused by was at least one that she had purchased herself (although her mother's approval had been sought before it even so much as touched her head.)

That boy's mother probably didn't pick out his clothes. If she did, she did a very poor job of making him presentable. The leather jacket, white tee-shirt and jeans combination was all very cool but it was about as tidy as his hair.

But, he was free. She knew that as soon as she looked at his face. He had the air of someone who only made decisions with concern for himself. That arrogant, self-assured expression that stained his face, as though it was the only one he was capable of, told Lily that this boy was totally in control of his own life. Answerable to nothing and no one.

It infuriated Lily. How dare this boy be so free and unburdened when no one else was? When everyone else had to put up with responsibilities and 'proper roles' and rules.

Mostly, it infuriated Lily how jealous of him she was. She wanted to hate him and yet, she wanted to be him, more than anything.

Of course, if she was him, she'd have to put up with that ridiculous friend of his.

'Sirius'. What sort of name was that? Clearly, his parents didn't care too much about him either. And the way he had looked at Remus. Like he could communicate with him without speaking. And it had worked. Remus had spoken back, silently. In 12 years of friendship, not once had Lily achieved that with Remus.

Apparently, she was jealous of Sirius too.

"Lily!"

Lily sat up as she was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of her mother calling up the stairs.

"Yes?"

"Remus is here. He's coming upstairs. Remember to leave the door open, you two."

"Fine," she called back, thinking maybe they could discuss what happened today as she took a moment to make sure her skirt was sitting properly, instead of up around her thighs.

"Hey," Lily started as the door opened, expecting to see Remus enter in his usual jumper and shirt. Instead, she was surprised when he came in still wearing his soda shop uniform. "Why aren't you changed?" She asked, suddenly not caring about the question when she took in his face.

Remus looked…utterly beside himself. But somehow not upset. He was pale but his eyes were bright and alive. There was sweat about his brow as though he had been moving quickly and even in her room, he couldn't keep still.

He looked at her, a stare so incomprehensible that Lily wasn't even sure that he had heard her question.

"Remus, what's wrong?" She asked, knowing before he said anything that this had something to do with the boys on motorcycles.

"I don't know," he shrugged and she couldn't tell if he sounded unhappy or excited. It seemed to be somewhere in between. "I don't know if something is wrong," he went on, going to her desk and sitting in the chair steadily.

"What happened?" She insisted, already ready to abandon her rule against scrapping, as she went to the door and closed it as quietly as she could.

He gave her the same sickly, exhilarated look, "Sirius," he breathed, the corners of his mouth looking like they might quirk into a smile.

"What did he do?" Lily asked quietly, trying to keep her temper under control.

"He came by the shop again…after everyone had left, at closing time," Remus told her, his voice now soft with only the slightest hint of a waver. "I was outside, taking the trash around the back when I heard the motorcycle." He let out a little laugh, "that thing is so loud. It's like he's determined everyone knows he's coming."

Remus stopped, seeming to contemplate this last sentence but Lily's impatience did not have time for him to reminisce at leisure.

"What did he want?" She probed gently.

"To see me," he said, again sounding pleased against his will. "He came by to see me."

"And?"

"And he wanted to apologise," he recalled, looking down at his hands, "for what happened earlier. For how he behaved."

"Yeah, well, I'd think so," Lily inserted brutally. "Him and that stupid friend of his nearly starting a brawl at the shop," she spat, "I suppose I have to give him credit for apologising."

"Yeah," Remus agreed breathlessly. "He was different this time."

"In what way?" She asked, frowning and feeling like she still wasn't getting near to what was causing Remus to act so strangely.

"He was nice," he replied with a small shrug. "He asked about work…school," he continued with a little smile. "They're from New York. Going to California, I think."

"Why?"

"He didn't say. I think he's running from something," he told her, "but he didn't say what."

"Okay, so you guys talked and he apologised and then what?" Lily pressed ahead.

Remus eyes dropped again and the paleness returned to his face. She couldn't see his gaze but she would bet it was the same exhilarated look filling his eyes once more.

"And then he kissed me," he said softly, and Lily saw the smallest hint of happiness flit across his features.

* * *

 **REVIEW**


	2. Belmont, pt 2

Hi everyone,

2nd part of Porcelain, which I hope you all enjoy.

Just as an aside, the entirely of this chapter was inspired and helped along by Chvrches 'Get out' which is a beautiful song, and I'm now obsessed with it!

Thanks as always for reading!

SP7

* * *

"He kissed me."

"He what?" Lily hissed, trying unsuccessfully to quell the rising panic in her. "Outside?"

Remus looked up and nodded ruefully. "It was at the side of the shop, in the shade but…"

"Did anyone see?" Lily interrupted, her mind flying through all of the ways in which Remus could deny this ever happened.

"I don't know," he responded and finally the worried, panicking half of Remus won the battle with his expression. "I pushed him off…I didn't know what to do so I came straight here."

"Okay," she said, her thoughts everywhere, trying to think of a plan. "Okay. If it was at the side of the shop after closing time, it's probably unlikely that anyone saw," she thought out loud, working the issue through. "Everyone is usually in their homes by then. So, it might be fine. If anyone did see, you'll just have to deny it. Tell them they didn't see what they thought they did."

Remus nodded, listening to her words carefully although she could see the panic hit him afresh every time she mentioned a possible onlooker.

"There's only going to be one problem," she continued carefully, knowing the problem in her gut as soon as Remus told her: this Sirius didn't seem like the kind to go away, "if he…"

"…tries to do it again," Remus filled in, running his hand through his hair. "I know."

Lily watched Remus consider this possibility for a moment and saw the disappointment and regret flicker across his face. Eventually, he saw her watching him.

"It's ridiculous, I know," he said, eyes pained, "impossible. But for a minute…I forgot where I was. I know it can never happen again but I should've…appreciated it more while it happened."

There was nothing Lily could say to that. Her best friend, who only a matter of weeks ago she had nearly confessed her feelings to, was now telling her about his first kiss with a boy that was dangerous and obviously reckless. Later, when she allowed herself to think about it, it would sting her heart, but right now, she was more concerned with making sure Remus was safe.

"I'll speak to him," he continued when Lily was quiet. "I'll tell him he has to leave me alone."

"I can do it," Lily offered, hoping that if it were her, the message would actually get delivered. "It'll be easier for me, Remus. I'll be able to tell him directly, scare him away."

"You're sure? I know I could do it but if we were seen together a second time…"

"I can do it," she assured him, "where are they?"

* * *

Remus informed her that Sirius and James were staying in the only hotel in town. The imaginatively named 'Belmont Hotel'. She decided to pay them a visit the next morning before school, if only because she couldn't guarantee that Sirius wouldn't have made his way all over town by the afternoon.

When she woke up the next day, she dressed slowly and thoughtfully, trying to moderate what she might say in her head, thinking through all the possible options of how to behave diplomatically despite Sirius's personality.

However, all of her careful planning was immediately pushed out of her head the moment she encountered Petunia. Petunia was always grouchy at breakfast and missed no opportunity to take her sourness out on Lily. So, Lily ate her breakfast and listened to Petunia groan on about how that was really her skirt and it looked better on her anyways, Vernon had said so, and it wasn't like any boy ever complimented Lily, apart from the town loser, of course.

By the time Lily made her way to the Belmont Hotel, she was spitting acid.

"Hi Jenny," she greeted the owner and manager of the hotel.

"Lily!" Jenny responded happily, smiling widely as she took in Lily and her school bag. "What has you here before school?"

"Do you have some new customers here?" Lily asked as innocently as she could. "Around my age, boys, one has long hair," she continued when Jenny looked puzzled. "Arrived on motorcycles."

"Oh, Sirius and James you mean," Jenny said, now seeming to understand and obviously having developed some sort of acquaintance with the two, which annoyed Lily even more, "I wouldn't call them customers," she laughed, "more like temporary handy-men. They can't pay for a room so I said they could sleep in the shed out back if they fixed a few things for me. You need 'em?"

"Yes," she said, thinking it was probably good luck that they were outside in a shed where no one would be able to hear Lily yell, "one of them left a book at the soda shop yesterday and I've come to return it."

"Of course," Jenny smiled, "that's so like you, Lily. Very thoughtful. You can go around the side of the hotel – you'll find them there."

Thanking Jenny, Lily made her way around the side of the hotel, palms now sweating with nerves. The first sight that greeted her was James, outside of the shed, covered in dirt and oil as he fiddled with one of the bikes.

She briefly considered trying to tip toe around him so as to get to her real target without having to engage in some inane discussion but as he was positioned just outside the door, that didn't seem too realistic, so she kept walking. Eventually, the soft padding of her shoes on the grass alerted him to her presence.

"Is he inside?" Lily queried abruptly, eyes jerking towards the shed just behind him, as his face registered her arrival with a smart grin. Allowing him to talk as little as possible was clearly the only way through this obstacle.

"And here I was thinking that you'd come to see me," James rebutted sharply, still sporting the same grin that drove Lily spare.

"Is he inside?" She pressed, practically spitting every word out.

"What is it with you and hats?" He asked, staring at the top of her head which was adorned with a soft pink cap that morning. James stood straight and started to brush down his forearms and fingers with a rag that was as dirty as he was.

"I'd think the better question might be 'what is it with you and my hats?'" Lily replied as airily as she could, hoping that whatever little control she possessed could stop the blush she knew he was hoping to see.

Now not bothering to hide a full blown smile, James sauntered towards her slowly, "Oh, I already know what the answer to that one is," he said lowly, his eyes never leaving hers.

Rolling her eyes, mainly due to the desperate need to look away from him, Lily crossed her arms and strode around him towards the shed door. Her hand shaking a little with determination, she grasped the handle and threw the door forwards.

Sunlight illuminated the majority of the dank and dingy shed, revealing to Lily the sight of Sirius, lying on a grubby looking bed, a cigarette dangling in between his teeth.

"I think you're in trouble, Padfoot," James called merrily from behind her, before Lily had the chance to speak.

Not looking in the least perturbed by this, Sirius sat up a little and propped himself up against the wall of the shed.

"Well?" He queried brusquely, throwing down the cigarette when Lily hadn't spoken after a few moments.

"You," she began, stopping to correct the wobble that had drifted from her hand into her voice, "you stay away…from him."

"I'm afraid you'll need to be a little more specific," Sirius responded, although the amusement painted across his features let her know he was well aware what she meant.

"Remus!" Lily ground out, all but stamping her foot, "stay away from him."

Sirius shrugged, letting out a long sigh, "why should I do that?"

"Because…" Lily tried, the force falling away from her words as she couldn't think how to delicately end the sentence, "because…"

"Because you're his girlfriend?" He suggested, clearly trying to provoke her as she watched the same light flash through his eyes as earlier when he had been challenging in Lucius.

"Because you're going to get him into trouble," she finished bluntly, finding that the longer she spoke to him, the more confidence she gained. This boy would eventually leave – no one here knew who he was and she didn't have to act like a lady around him, as she did around every other boy. So long as their conversation remained in the shed, Lily could say whatever she wanted to him.

"Shouldn't you be at school yelling at your boyfriend for kissing someone else, instead of here, trying to threaten me?"

"Shouldn't you be locked up in some juvenile prison for runaways, instead of here, attacking boys who want nothing to do with you?"

His eyes flashed. She had hit a nerve. Which satisfied Lily because it was exactly what she was trying to do.

Sirius swung his legs over the edge of the bed and started towards her.

"Has your boyfriend ever actually kissed you?" He half-snarled, giving Lily the distinct impression he was holding back.

"Yes," she hissed in response, unconsciously folding her arms the closer he came.

"And did you have to beg him to do it?"

"At least I didn't have to ambush him!"

That short, loud laugh of Sirius's echoed around the shed.

"Is that what he told you?" He asked lowly, his eyes flashing again, this time with danger in them. "That I ambushed him?"

Trying to remember her conversation with Remus last night and wondering how Remus had described the interaction rendered Lily unable to respond.

"Or did he not bother to tell you what really happened? That I kissed him once, slowly, after he had been watching my lips the entire time we talked, and then stopped…"

The pangs of jealousy that Lily had been expecting to feel last night suddenly appeared and swamped her chest. It was as though he was telling her the most compelling story she had ever heard and yet, she wanted nothing more than for him to stop talking.

"…only for him to kiss me. He kissed me like he'd been waiting to do it his entire life. And then he stopped, because he remembered who he was and where he was."

"Are you trying to get him arrested?" Lily breathed, her voice shaking as she tried to quell the burning envy in her heart.

"No," Sirius said forcefully, somehow moving closer to her, "this bullshit country with these bullshit laws are trying to get him arrested, not me."

With that, he strode away from her and threw himself back down on the bed, not looking at her anymore.

"I know what you might think about me," Lily said, getting his attention as she finally found her voice, "but when he told me how he felt, all I cared about was that he was safe. That's why I'm here. I love him. And I'm not going to let anything happen to him. I don't know why you're here," she sniffed, as their eyes met, "but if you care about him, you'll leave him alone."

Deciding to get out of the shed before things got any worse, Lily turned around and walked into the daylight, finding James leaning against his motorcycle, obviously having listened to the whole conversation.

"Need a ride to school?" He asked, eyes following her as she stalked past him.

"No," she replied, wiping the tears from her eyes as she ran away. After that morning, she had no intention of going to school.

* * *

Legs sore, chest heaving and fists still clenched, Lily strode through dense undergrowth, feet managing to dodge the nettles that were littered amongst the grass. It wasn't difficult for Lily to miss the nettles: she had traversed this place many times before, finding it to be the one place in town she could feel peace.

A cool wind drifted in off the lake and whipped around Lily as she moved around its edge. She was on the unkempt side of the water – the part the town did nothing to maintain and so the grass had grown long and patchy with weeds everywhere. From her usual spot, where there were a few trees, Lily could look out across the lake and see only the water. When she was there, she could miss the entire town and its manicured vegetation and lose herself in the unruly green.

She had just settled into her usual patch, marked by trodden down weeds, when she heard a noise.

"Ow!"

Lily groaned as she recognised the voice.

"Jesus Christ!" Sounded James's voice – she still couldn't see him but clearly he wasn't trying to be quiet.

Finally, she saw the top of his crazy hair come into view, and shortly after, his face: red and flustered.

"Pick a place with more nettles, why don't you?!" He yelped, jumping again after he hit another strand.

"You didn't have to follow me," Lily retorted, the sight of him jumping up and down easing the anger she felt at him.

Ignoring her comment, James moved towards her and stood above her, eyes moving across the lake.

"You okay?"

"You're ridiculously persistent, do you realise that?" Lily bit out, folding her arms around her knees.

"Yeah, I do," he said, taking off his jacket and throwing down on the grass. "I think it's my best quality, personally."

"Well, then you're both deluded and persistent," she muttered, hating that he had now sat down beside her, his long legs stretched out in front of him.

"Sirius really got to you, didn't he?" James said matter-of-factly, irritating Lily with his calm demeanour.

Lily swallowed, choosing not to say anything. Not wanting to give Sirius the pleasure of knowing that he had.

"I know you won't believe me, but he's actually a really nice guy – he's just going through a rough time at the minute."

"Oh yeah, he seems like a great guy," Lily hissed, finally letting out all of her frustration. "In the time he's shown up, he's done his absolute best to get Remus arrested. A real amazing guy, Sirius!"

James watched her diatribe carefully, eyes narrowing as she spoke.

"You're mad because you really like Remus," he said plainly, "because you're jealous."

Lily could've denied it. Maybe she should've protested and seemed outraged at his suggestion. But she already knew it was true. A part of her had always thought of Remus as 'hers'. At the moment, it seemed like that was brutally incorrect.

"Did he actually kiss you?" James asked teasingly when she didn't reply.

Scoffing, Lily regarded him sardonically, "yes," she drawled, sick of every person's inability to believe this. "What?" She gritted, when he started to grin at her again.

"Properly?"

"Are you trying to annoy me?" Lily shot back, resisting the urge to kick him in the shin.

"Answer the question!"

"It's a stupid question! What you mean 'properly?'"

"In my experience, a person knows when they've been properly kissed," James laughed.

This stopped Lily. Shutting her mouth, she knew that when Remus had kissed her, she had felt that something was missing.

"That's a no then," he said, with a small smile.

"It's none of your business," Lily replied, though she knew she had lost the fire in her voice.

"You should be kissed by someone who wants to kiss you," he continued briskly, now giving her the same intent gaze that he had back in the diner.

"You are not kissing me," she said haughtily, eyes moving upwards to inspect the sky.

Shrugging, James adopted the same position as Lily: knees bent towards his chest, arms around his knees and eyes towards the sky.

"Don't you ever worry that you won't make any mistakes?" He asked abruptly, causing Lily to look down at him. She felt her face change at the strangeness of his question.

"You want to get married, have lots of kids, live in a white house, right?" He continued when she was silent.

Lily nodded, as surely as she could. That was what she was supposed to want. No one seemed to care whether it was or not.

"So, when you're fifty, married for thirty years with three kids, aren't you worried you'll look back and regret not ever doing anything stupid?"

The question hit Lily like a bolt of lightning. She had never considered this possibility before. She was so consumed with her life right now that she had never looked into the future to wonder how she might look back on her teenage years. Would she regret how perfectly she behaved, despite feeling and wanting the exact opposite? Would she think back over all the times she had screamed into her pillow and wish, that instead of doing that, for once, she had told someone how she actually felt?

"Well, if you want I'll volunteer to be your one, stupid mistake," James told her languidly, though giving every suggestion that he was waiting to hear her answer, "and save you from a life of no regrets."

"It's just a kiss," she replied with a forcefulness that she didn't truly feel, "why does it matter so much to you?"

Grinning, James's eyes scanned her face, "because, I know when I'm fifty, I'll still be regretting it if we haven't."

"Do lines like that actually work on the girls in New York?" Lily asked, speaking just to distract herself from the butterflies jumping in her stomach.

"Definitely not," he admitted with a smile, ruffling his hair in the annoying way that he did. Although, she had to admit, he definitely wasn't the worst looking boy she had ever seen.

"You've known me for two minutes," she said, letting her knees fall to the ground. "You can't possibly know that you like me in that time."

"I have eyes, don't I?" James responded, "but as you said, it's just a kiss, it's not that big a deal."

Lily took a moment to consider this, letting her eyes fall to his lips as she wondered what it would be like to kiss him. To have him kiss her when he so obviously wanted to.

"But for the record, I love watching you stand up to people," he taunted, "seeing you yell at Sirius was fantastic."

Already sick of thinking after all the mental gymnastics she had performed, Lily made up her mind and, just as he finished talking, she quickly pressed her lips against his, shutting him up for the first time that day.

"There," she announced thickly, removing her lips from his almost as soon as she had kissed him, "there's your stupid kiss. Will you leave me alone now?"

Watching her with a look made up of amusement, lust and arrogance, James shook his head.

"Can I try?" He asked lowly, as his hand drifted up to her cheek and he leant in, leaving Lily just enough room to leave if she wanted. She didn't move and he kissed her. When his lips first met hers, it crossed Lily's mind that this kiss wasn't that different from the one she had just given him, but then something happened.

Just as she relaxed, James tilted his head to the right, his left arm winding around her waist as he pulled her up and in to meet his chest. Not expecting this, Lily came freely, hands landing on his shoulders instinctively as their bodies met.

He kissed her once, pulling away to break the contact between their lips, eyes pouring into hers, before letting their lips meet a second time. The hand on her cheek moved up to her hair, his fingers tangling amongst the curls just as she felt his tongue run lightly along her lower lip.

Lily hadn't a clue what she was doing but naturally opened her mouth a little, only to find James's tongue meeting her own. It felt a little strange a first and never had she been more aware of her own inexperience. But as his fingers continued to move in her hair and his right arm moved around her waist to pull her more and more towards him, as though he couldn't get her close enough, a flutter started to build in her toes.

James's hand fell from her hair and swept along her skirt, up her hips and around her waist to meet his other arm. He was holding her completely now and the flutter jittered around her whole body, moving to every place he touched her. If she was kissing him incorrectly, James showed no sign of it, kissing her as fervently as he could with no indication of stopping.

As his lips moved against hers, Lily found herself lowering towards the ground. At first she was indignant at the thought that James had moved her in this way, until she realised that it was her who was moving to lie down, pulling James with her by the shoulders as she moved.

Her back hit the flattened grass with a soft 'thump' as their kiss ended. He wasn't lying on top of her but his chest hovered over hers, his hands now either side of her head, propping him up above her. She took a moment to appreciate his appearance – to think how dark his eyes were, how the flush in his cheeks suited him and most strangely of all, how his attractive his hair was.

She noticed he was doing the same review of her and she winced inside, finding she hoped he was still as attracted to her as he had been before they had kissed.

She wasn't given long to dwell on this thought as James was soon kissing her again, diving right back in with the same intensity as before. Allowing her hands to move this time, Lily moved them into his hair, enjoying the feeling of being the one to pull him closer – to push her own body upwards and into his chest.

Lily now knew why everyone did this all the time. Why all the boys in her class were so desperate to kiss. She had never understood it before but lying there with James all but on top of her, the drive flowing around her body felt electric.

And she somehow wanted more of him. More of this feeling. More of whatever was happening now although she had no idea what that was or how to get it. Her body moved as she tried to think; she was still pulling him closer and closer until finally, he came with her, his chest landing on hers, legs in between her own, their bodies completely interlocked.

Lily felt a moment of thrilling satisfaction – this was what she had been trying to get at.

Until, her rational brain kicked in. This was probably what Amy Cline had been trying to get at too. The thought froze her solid, stopping her hands and pulling her lips away from James.

As her mind swarmed with images of homes and babies, Lily felt her arms move to James's chest as she pushed him off her and immediately sprang to her feet, hat falling away from her head as she moved.

"Sorry," he breathed, still on the ground as she looked down at him. With his swollen lips and messy hair, she would've been more pleased with the sight of him if she weren't so busy panicking. "Got a little carried away."

There was no reason for him to be apologising. It had been just as much her as it was him. Her, more so, really. That was the problem.

"Where are you going?" He asked, as Lily began striding away, needing more than anything to be away from him so she could think. "Lily!" He called after her when she didn't answer but she ignored him.

School was the only place she could go to now. Anywhere else and people would wonder why she wasn't there instead.

She would go to school and she could sit and panic there by herself and no one would notice.

Except maybe Remus.

* * *

Remus kept his eyes trained on the pink potted geraniums that decorated the Evans's front door. Though they hadn't explicitly agreed it, Remus had half-thought that Lily would return to her house prior to school and they could go in together as always.

That would at least mean Remus would know what she had said to Sirius and how he had reacted and then perhaps he could stop worrying about every single thing he had done in the past twelve hours.

His parents usually left for work before he went to school so he had the place to himself as he watched the Evans house, hoping that Lily would appear on the street any moment.

He peered through the windows of the front room for ten minutes, then twenty and finally, half an hour had passed during which he had watched the house to no avail. He had observed Mr Evans leave for work but other than that, the house remained frustratingly still.

Remus looked at his watch. At this rate, he was going to be late for school. Deciding against letting fear control his decisions, he determined that he would go to school and if nothing else, Lily could update him there.

He had just finished locking the front door to his own house when he was rooted to the steps of the porch by the sound he heard in the distance – a deep, rumbling drone that echoed down the streets of Belmont, disturbing the quiet everywhere it went.

By the time Remus summoned the courage to lock the door and turn around, he knew that the motorcycle was on the street outside, coughing and spluttering into the air. As he walked down the steps, schoolbag at his hip, he kept his eyes on the pavement, save for a quick glance that he couldn't help. The glance afforded him a look at Sirius, who was leaning against the bike, still wearing the same leather jacket and jeans that he had been the day before.

Remus had quickly planned not to speak to him as he walked past but found himself unable to just continue walking as he caught sight of him. "What are you doing here?" He muttered, doing his best not to stop in case anyone in the street saw them.

"Well, I'm apparently banned from seeing you, so obviously I came straight here. Jenny was good enough to tell me where you lived," Sirius replied easily, crossing his feet in front of him.

"You saw Lily."

"It would've been impossible to miss her," he retorted dryly, "why are looking at the pavement?"

Remus ignored his question, finally deciding to meet Sirius's eyes, "I asked Lily to speak to you."

"And you can't speak to me yourself?"

"I can but I don't want to."

"Afraid you might kiss me again?" Sirius asked, with something of smile playing about his mouth.

Remus didn't find it so funny. The question horrified him. They were alone on the street but how could they know someone wasn't listening? How could this boy be so cavalier about everything? Why didn't he feel any of the fear that was currently coursing through Remus?

"I'm going to school now," he breathed as unemotionally as he could, his eyes leaving Sirius as he turned to walk down the street.

"I'll take you," Sirius offered, his hand shooting out to grab the sleeve of Remus's jumper.

Remus shook him off, letting out a loud laugh before remembering himself, "no thanks."

"Come on," Sirius smiled, patting the back seat of the bike. "I'll drop you somewhere quiet and I've a helmet so no one will see you."

Looking at him, Remus imagined that Sirius could get anyone to do anything just by smiling at them. That casual, easy smile was so intense, so free – it was hard to look away.

"I promise I just want to talk," he went on, "and we'll be leaving town in a couple of days. After that, you'll never have to see me again."

Sirius picked the helmet up off the back of the bike and held it out to him.

Thinking that the longer he stood there with his face uncovered, the more chance there was of someone seeing him, and knowing that Sirius probably wasn't going to leave him alone otherwise, Remus grabbed the helmet and started to put it on.

A few minutes later, he was climbing ungracefully onto the back of the bike.

"You can hold on to the bars over the back wheel," Sirius told him, looking over his shoulder at Remus, "or, you can hold on to me."

Remus looked at the bars over the wheel and realised that to hold onto them would mean bending his arms behind him. Saying nothing, he put his arms on Sirius's hips, praying harder than he had ever prayed that no one was looking at them. He held onto the jacket as the bike started up underneath him.

Ignoring Sirius's smile, he took a deep breath as the bike jutted forward, motoring noisily along the quiet suburban street. Knowing that the whole street could hear them should've provoked more fear in Remus. And in the beginning, it did. However, as the drive went on, he found himself enjoying the reckless feeling of flying down the road as Sirius increased the speed. The bike rumbled along under his legs, the strength of the vibrations causing his whole body to shake. He saw places that he knew whirl past him in strokes of colour, blurring out of his vision before he had time to register where exactly they were.

He watched as the bike flew past the market, the city's library and soda shop, where they had first met. As they drove, Sirius's hair streamed back behind him, flowing madly in the wind.

At some point during the journey, Remus's arms slipped fully around Sirius's waist – he didn't notice it happen at the time but he noticed it as they sped past the route that would've taken him to school and instead continued onwards towards the lake and woods.

He decided against saying anything, again allowing the reckless momentum to overtake him as he let Sirius dictate their end point.

The bike turned off the road into the woods, the lake passing them on the right hand side. Just ahead, Remus could see the well kept lawns of the picnic area beside the lake. He knew that Lily sometimes came down here to be on the other side of the lake – it was her spot – but he had never been here much himself, save for when he was younger. When the weather was nice, his family used to come here for picnics, if both his parents could take the time off work.

When they were surrounded by trees, the bike started to slow and Remus felt Sirius's legs drag along the ground as the scenery spun slowly into view. When they were fully stopped, Sirius switched off the bike.

"Not to point out the obvious, but this isn't my school," Remus said as he climbed off and began to unbuckle the helmet. Sirius swung his left leg over the back of the bike and climbed off easily.

"What?" He asked, when Sirius laughed instead of answering.

"Your hair," he grinned, eyes trained just about Remus's as he walked towards him.

Remus let his hands move to his hair, feeling it flat upon his head from the weight of the helmet.

"Oh," he smiled, just about to fix it with his own hands when Sirius got there before him.

With a soft touch, Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's hair, shaking it out a little as he went. His right hand came up to do the same to the other side of Remus's hair – at this Remus felt his eyes fall to the ground before they closed completely. He wanted to enjoy the feeling of this moment, and here, in the woods by themselves, he could.

The nervous energy he felt at having Sirius so near dissipated as he paid attention only to the sensations running through his hair.

All too quickly, the hands fell away from his hair and just as Remus was about to open his eyes, he felt Sirius's lips on his.

If he had lied to himself, Remus could've believed that he had forgotten the first time they kissed within seconds of it ending. But that was a ridiculous falsehood – he had barely thought of anything else but the feeling of that kiss since it happened. He had paced the moment in his mind over and over again – trying to remove the crushing disappointment that it could never happen again. Trying to convince himself that he hadn't wasted the one truly romantic moment he had ever experienced.

But above all, he had told himself he would cherish the memory. Even if it had ended too soon, he told himself he could live on the memory of it for years, maybe decades.

Now, as the kiss happened again, had he been able to think sanely around this boy, he would've again told himself to be happy with the first kiss and to move away. As it was, his body got there before him.

Letting his hands slide up to Sirius's face, he did what he had wanted to do the first time, and pulled him closer. Hands now at his neck, Remus forgot who he was and how he was supposed to be and kissed Sirius with all the pent up energy that had been controlling him since they first met. He kissed him, knowing that if this were to be their last kiss, he wouldn't regret it.

Sirius's hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him in and Remus got lost in the burning sensation rising in his body – the kind he had felt after they first kissed and did his best to suppress. This time he wouldn't suppress it.

He was all too ready to dive head first into the moment when Sirius broke away, exhaling raggedly.

"I thought you weren't going to do that again," Remus said breathlessly, eyes still closed, his nose against Sirius's as he felt him grin.

"I lied," he smirked, hands now back in Remus's hair, "I can apologise if you want."

This was meant to taunt. To show him Sirius knew how much Remus wanted him.

"I'm not sure I'd believe you if you did," Remus replied as Sirius moved away, back towards the bike. At some point, he had grabbed the helmet from Remus without him noticing.

"Something to remember me by," he said, with his back to Remus, throwing the helmet to the ground, a tone echoing around the forrest that Remus didn't recognise.

"When are you leaving again?" He asked, trying desperately not to sound as though he wanted him to stay.

"Few days," Sirius shrugged, now sitting on the bike, his eyes examining the tree tops.

"Oh."

"And your plans are?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Your plans," Sirius stated decisively, "what are you planning to do with your life? Don't tell me you're just going to stay here and pretend for their rest of your life. I might have to throw myself off the nearest cliff."

Remus tried to feel that this was a joke and ignored the fact that he had once considered this option, "I'm going to go to Paris when I graduate. Lily and I. We're leaving as soon as we can."

At this Sirius let out his usual abrupt laugh, which echoed off the wood and bounced around the air for a few minutes.

"So, you have one of those too then?"

"One of what?"

"One of those friends who is going to ruin their life for you."

The statement struck Remus coldly and he felt his skin prick with anger. That wasn't true. Paris had always been Lily's escape too. He hadn't talked her into it. If he remembered correctly, the whole thing had been her idea. Even after he had told her how he really felt, she had still wanted to go.

"She wants to come," Remus replied as calmly as he could. "She's always wanted to go. I haven't asked her to."

"Of course not," Sirius said with the same harsh voice, "I'm sure she's dying to run off with Prince Charming to a foreign land while he wishes she was actually a guy. Getting married are you?"

"No," he retorted, now losing his cool. "We'll tell everyone here we are but when we're…"

"And explain to me how running off to Paris with a man who isn't her husband isn't going to ruin her life?" Sirius interrupted. "That's not going to destroy her reputation when she finally does want to get married?"

"Lily wouldn't want to marry the kind of man who cared about that."

He laughed again, "as far as I know that's pretty much all of them."

Rather than argue more, Remus fell silent. Part of his brain blocked off what Sirius had said. It wouldn't be like that. He wasn't ruining her life.

"And college? She's giving up that for you too?"

Remus took a moment to steady himself, "she can't go. Her parents can't afford it."

"You said she was smart."

"She is."

"But not enough to get a scholarship?"

Again, this brought silence pounding down on Remus. She could get a scholarship. He knew she could. If someone would just care about her education, her mind, tell her she was smart and allow her to believe it, Lily could get into any college she wanted.

"James doesn't need a scholarship," Sirius went on, now looking at his feet. "His family could afford it. He's a cert for Yale or Columbia. Or he was…before he ran off with me."

"Why did you leave?"

"I didn't fancy being locked up in a psychiatric ward," he replied bitterly. "I never planned on telling my parents how I felt – I knew they were vindictive assholes. But never in my wildest dreams did I think they'd try and _cure_ me."

"How did they find out?"

"When I kept bailing on every match they set me up with, they figured something was up," Sirius told him, "and then they found photos and all hell broke lose."

"Then you left?"

Sirius nodded, kicking the tyres of the bike, "it was James's idea. Stupid bastard. I told him I could go on my own but he refused. Now we're here and his life is as fucked as mine." He stopped kicking to take a deep breath, throwing his head back to the sky, chest puffed out as far as it could go.

"You didn't ruin his life," Remus said quietly, when neither of them had spoken for a few minutes, "he chose to go with you."

"I know," Sirius acknowledged, breathing out heavily, "you can let me know if that makes you feel any better when you're in Paris with Lily. Come on," he said, patting the back seat of the cycle, "I'll take you back to town."

* * *

It didn't bother Lily too much when Remus didn't show up to their first class together. Occasionally, he might volunteer to open up the soda shop before school and that would keep him late.

But by the time lunch came and Remus was still nowhere to be found, Lily was starting to panic. What if something had happened to him? What if he had run into Sirius again?

In the beginning, she had selfishly wanted him there so she could tell him about James. So he could tell her that everything would be alright and there was no way that you could get pregnant just by a boy lying on you. As the day went on however, his absence panicked her more and more, so just as lunch ended, she had stopped worrying about James and started worrying about Remus.

She had made up her mind to go home and call at Remus's house and was on her way out of the school when a hand shot out of a classroom and pulled her sideways.

"Lucius!" She jumped, backing away from him as he shut the door over her shoulder.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, Lily but we need to talk," he stated firmly, towering over her.

"What's wrong?" She asked, hearing the tremble in her voice and hoping against hope that nothing terrible had happened.

"It's about Remus."

The grave look on Lucius's face left no doubt in Lily's mind as to what he was talking about and she fought back to urge to be physically sick then and there.

"What do you mean?" She said, trying to keep a plain face.

Lucius opened his mouth to speak but then seemed unable to continue, eyeing her uncertainly and with something that looked like pity.

"I…I don't like being the one to tell you this Lily," he said, "and I hate to see you used like this. You know I've always liked you."

"Lucius, please," Lily tried shakily, "just tell me what it is."

With another uncertain look, he continued. "You know I go shooting in the woods sometimes?"

Lily nodded, hearing her heartbeat thudding in her ears. She wasn't sure if she did know that but now wasn't the time to interrupt.

"I was there this morning with a few of the guys and…"

"And?"

"Lupin was there."

"Okay," Lily encouraged – she was already doing a worthless job at stopping tears but what he was about to tell her was everything she had feared since these boys had arrived.

"He wasn't alone, Lily."

"Oh," she said quietly, feeling the tears slip over her eyes as she let her head fall forward, desperate to hide her face from him. The sight of her crying changed Lucius's face entirely – Lily was doing her best to hide it but she was no match for the fear currently rattling around her chest.

"You know," he confirmed, eyes drilling into her as she saw the shock on his face.

"Lucius, please…"

"You know he's a fucking…"

"Lucius!" She interrupted, grabbing him round the shoulders. "Please. This is a misunderstanding. This is…"

"There's no misunderstanding," he snarled. "I saw him with that degenerate on the motorcycle. I came here to warn you but now I see…"

"Where is he, Lucius?" She wept, hands shaking as she grasped his arms. "Please, just give me some time."

"I came here to warn you but the rest of the team went to find him," he continued cruelly, pushing her off him. "I can't guarantee what state you'll find him in, Lily," he called after her as she ran towards the door, flinging it open, running faster than she ever had in her life.

* * *

She had torn her nails to shreds. She looked down at her hands, now bloody and red raw, her eyes feeling the same way.

She had lost the ability to cry – the tears disappearing hours ago when it became clear to her that she wasn't going to find him.

The clock on her desk table told her it was now after 10pm. After running all over town trying to find Remus – the soda shop, the woods, even the hospital – Lily had come home, praying that maybe he was in his house. It only made her feel worse to know that his mother hadn't seen him since this morning.

Defeated, devastated and drained, she had returned to her bedroom and sat, looking out her window across the street, willing him to appear – safe and sound.

At some point, Lily knew she would have to call the police. If he hadn't come home by midnight, she'd have to either go out and look for him again or call the police and ask them to help her find him. Lily didn't want to think about that – she didn't want to think about what state she might find him in.

She was busy getting lost in this horrible thought when there was a tap against the window nearest her bed. Hardly believing that she had heard anything, Lily bolted to the pane. There was nothing there but as she opened it and pushed her head out through the gap, she saw two shadowy figures standing outside by the side of her house.

Not taking the time to say anything, Lily paced to her bedroom door and ran down the stairs as quietly as she could. Her parents would be watching television in their front room and Petunia would still be out with Vernon – caring only that she didn't disturb them, Lily tiptoed quickly past the room and then fled to the back door.

As she fell out into the garden, she saw Remus and James. She would've cried merely at the sight of seeing Remus standing upright but as she moved towards him and the moonlight struck his face, she broke down.

They had beaten him black and blue: his right eye was purple and swollen and she could see dried blood around his mouth.

"Remus," Lily breathed, tears already roaming down her face, "oh my God," she cried, as he came towards her and she wrapped her arms around him. His head fell to her shoulder and she felt her clothes dampen as he cried too.

"I hate them," she spat through her tears, feeling him shake with anguish, his fists clenched at her side. "I hate them so much."

He shuddered and moved back a little, wiping at his face, wincing when it obviously hurt him, "I got off lightly," he said, not looking like he believed this, "if Sirius and James hadn't fought them off, I don't know what would've happened."

At the mention of the other boys, Lily finally looked behind Remus to see James standing with them, his face pale and grave as they talked.

"Where is Sirius?" She asked, looking around to see there was no one else with them.

"By the bikes," James told her, as she looked down to see the skin on his knuckles was bloody and torn, "he got hit badly too. Didn't want to come here with us."

"Oh. Is he okay?" she asked. When James nodded Lily looking back to Remus. "Have you been to the hospital? We can talk about what we're going to do afterwards but first, we need to…"

"I'm going with them, Lily," he said quietly, his soft, abused eyes staring into hers.

"What?" Lily whispered, hardly believing what he had just said.

"I can't stay here now," he went on, taking both her hands in his. "Not after this."

"But we can report them. We can have them arrested."

"And that will change how they feel about people like me?" Remus retorted honestly. "That will stop them from ostracising me even more? From hating me?"

He squeezed her hands, another errant tear escaping him, "I can't live like that, Lily. I don't want to live like that. I want to go somewhere I can be free. Somewhere I can be myself and be happy."

Knowing he was right, Lily found herself unable to speak. She wanted him to be happy more than anything but life without Remus was unimaginable to her.

"I'm sorry about Paris," he said, his forehead now meeting hers. "But it wasn't right, for either of us."

"What do you mean?"

"You should go to college, Lily," Remus stated earnestly. "Go to college. Find a scholarship or find a way. You are so smart – you could be whatever you wanted to be. Don't listen to your mom or Petunia. Screw finding a husband. Find out what it is you want to do in life and do it."

She was about to reply when a noise echoed from insider her house, catching all of their attention.

"We should go," James said, clapping Remus on the shoulder.

Nodding, Remus pulled her into another hug.

"I'll write to you when we get there," he said into her hair, squeezing her tight before letting go.

Tears now in full flow, Lily wasn't able to say anything to him. Instead she was rendered speechless as he walked away.

"I'll take care of him," James told her, catching her gaze. Grabbing her hand, he pressed a quick kiss to her forehead, before he followed Remus out of the garden.

And Lily stood quietly in the moonlight, watching them both go.

* * *

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